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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash


a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.


Stop editing ya’ll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.


I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.


Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage


CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?