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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

@matthandlersux

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

@markydoodoo

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@iLick_sheDrip

Stop editing ya’ll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

@Jake_Vig

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?