Meow
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh