Meowchelangelo
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My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I think the cat got the dog high.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.