@sug_knight

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

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@sofarrsogud

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@OhMrWonka

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

@SaltyCorpse

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

@Jay16282

The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.