Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Rambo Rambow
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.