Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.


If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.


He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO


One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.


Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.


My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.


The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.