me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
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A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard