@DomesticGoddss

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

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@leakypod

going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner

@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

@Sanbel11

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@hazelmotes1

Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!

Me: wha?

Her: Because all the candy is gone

Me: Ooooh right. So many.

@MomofTeen

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

@Staggfilms

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

@LuvPug

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

@Playing_Dad

As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them