Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side