@leakypod
going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner
@DomesticGoddss
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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@leakypod
@PleaseBeGneiss
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
@Sanbel11
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
@trevso_electric
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
@hazelmotes1
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!
Me: wha?
Her: Because all the candy is gone
Me: Ooooh right. So many.
@MomofTeen
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
@Staggfilms
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
@_youhadonejob1
Meanwhile in Thailand.
@LuvPug
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
@Playing_Dad
As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them