Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.