Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

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I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.


Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.


You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.


If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.


One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?


ok I need you to step out of the car


SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?


I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.


Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.