@SeiYoung83

Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

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@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@sonictyrant

Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick

Her: oh that’s okay

Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he’s so shy he’s hiding his face in my arm

@beefman138

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

@empressofsong

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

@farouq_yahaya

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

@ddsmidt

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

@marcgravell

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”