@SeiYoung83

Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

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@moose_chocolate

I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.

@PabloGSerski

Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.

@HatfieldAnne

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

@prattprattpratt

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

@SimplyNamedTron

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@mattgallo123

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.