My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
You Might Also Like
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
road rage
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.