Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.


Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.


[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!


The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself


I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair


A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go


when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there


I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.