@SeiYoung83

Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

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@Gupton68

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

@Writepop

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?

@Shen_the_Bird

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

@Phook75

If love at first sight was really a thing, I would’ve been married to Cheetara from Thundercats

@slimmy_shady

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@LuvPug

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

@Marlebean

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!