Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
this is the best interaction on twitter
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
True?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”