[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
LMAO.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.