Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy