@notalogin

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

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@TheCamelToe_

I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

@Mr_Kapowski

[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall

@MoneypennyNaked

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

@3sunzzz

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

@thatUPSdude

Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.

@HenpeckedHal

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@sixthformpoet

I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.