I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.
I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
me: [puts bounty on her]
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June
Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?
Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.