Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.


*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*


The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.


Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.


Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait


*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd


It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.


and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.


ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.


Remember when folks kept pictures of people in their wallets? Like they might forget what their loved ones look like?