@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

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@DustinAHarkins

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

@Ristolable

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

@AimeeHelene1

The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.

@Tbone7219

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

@RL_blahneh

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

@Marlebean

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@scot7a

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

@WilliamAder

Remember when folks kept pictures of people in their wallets? Like they might forget what their loved ones look like?