@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

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@junejuly12

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

@RandallOtisTV

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

@AndyAsAdjective

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@mommajessiec

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

@sickipediabot

Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.

@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

@JohnLyonTweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN