Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.


In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.


Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”


[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
“Uh…right now?”
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms


The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.


I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.


rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no


Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!