Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

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Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*


People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges


After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.


ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear


Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.


Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.


Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.


Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”