Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
This is my pinned tweet
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”
[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.