Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

You Might Also Like


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.


Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever


One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.


Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.


(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay


Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?


In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.



Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“Not possible”


That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.