Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.