“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.