I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
c’mon!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*