Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada