My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Desperately trying to trick myself into doing some work
Love so rare, you can still hear it moo.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn’t change
Her: yeah… anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window