Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!

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My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.


“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.


You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.


My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.


People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.


Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn’t change

Her: yeah… anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window