Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Bird puns? Owl allow them.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)