@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

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@dorsalstream

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

@briancthayer

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

@vineyille

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

@Unkle_K

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

@Elifcello

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@FilthyRichmond

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)