Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch