Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
All excellent questions
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
79.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.