Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

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I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”


[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass


Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials


You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.


X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend


My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth


I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment


Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.