The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”
*our canoe tips over*
[at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.
X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.