Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Good dog. ❤️
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”