*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.