Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
More like Kate Missington.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My god she’s good.