Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I love you…
…r dog.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Buying a well is money well spent.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.