Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.


If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?


Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.


Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.


Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.


I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?


I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.


doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not


burglar: [breaks into house]
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”


So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..


McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.