@Six_Pack_Mom

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

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@Darlainky

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

@wicce_podge

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

@JasonBanksComic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

@dksc4life

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

@KeetPotato

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

@deplorablem1ke

So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..

But

McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.