message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Free him
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.