[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
bears
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
6: are snakes just neck?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: