Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
This will never not be funny 😭
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.