@d_duhwit

Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
Me:”What?
n:”What

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@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@Mr_Kapowski

[spooning]

Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”

@LeahBonnema

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

@sarabellab123

My daughter asked why she can’t eat tacos every day and honestly, I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from.

@AndrewChamings

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@Love_bug1016

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”