No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
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Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My daughter asked why she can’t eat tacos every day and honestly, I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”