@sickipediabot

Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?

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@leakypod

spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂

@Love_bug1016

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

@TheAlexNevil

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

@LizHackett

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

@sploosk

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

@DrewsThatDude

just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@yerpalmildsauce

In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.

@KeetPotato

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood