Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?

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spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂


No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.


I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.


I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.


ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no


just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy


It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.


In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.


*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*


PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood