I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The news is so predictable nowadays
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Note to self: always read the final line
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?