Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My work here is done
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!