Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
These aliens are taking forever.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.