Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.
We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.
*lays in bed for 12 hours
I guess I’ll get up now
*walks over to couch & lays down
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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Best courtroom exchange ever.