@EmberToAsh

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

You Might Also Like

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

@mattZillaaaa

*lays in bed for 12 hours

I guess I’ll get up now

*walks over to couch & lays down

@ericsshadow

ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

@Mr_Kapowski

GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane

@Rollmaninoz

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.