Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
You Might Also Like
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.