Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone