@timdonakowski

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

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@2tickytacky

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

@UnFitz

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

@chimneyspotter

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

@_jennatural

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

@TweetsByKaylee

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.