Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”


My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.


COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.


What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”


My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?


mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂


Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”


My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.