5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?