Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
💯😂
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I enjoy a good short stor
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?