Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about