What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:
Your car got paint on my keys.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.