@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

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@Carbosly

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

@SketchesbyBoze

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@AudreyPorne

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

@velcrofannypack

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

@gerryhallcomedy

Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces:

Your car got paint on my keys.

@lecalabara

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.