Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed