How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
You Might Also Like
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.