met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
A great tip. #CakeRex
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY