*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no