[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Love is in the air fryer.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?