DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: how do you say yes in French?
Me: how do we say yes in French?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
You know what really makes me smile?
7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage….now go to bed.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.