@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

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@MsSugar_Kisses

I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..

@mattsurely

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

@LlamaInaTux

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

@jonnysun

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

@evilbart24

Uber driver: ……….

Me: ………..

Uber driver: …………

Me: ………….

Uber driver: ………….

Me: …………….

Uber driver: …………….

Me: ………………

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

@LaureRapper

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair