@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

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@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@pieceofchat

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

@NewDadNotes

Me: how do you say yes in French?

Wife: oui.

Me:

Wife:

Me: how do we say yes in French?

@internetluke

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

@EndhooS

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@Pspenny36

7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage….now go to bed.

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.