[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”