Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.