Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
You Might Also Like
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying