Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
subtitles are so good nowadays
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
That’s not how days work.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Matt Goss
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined