Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.