@RodLacroix

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

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@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

@IRLPepperMD

[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude

@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@TheToddWilliams

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

@SteveKerr

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

@Snarfernini

Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned

@KalvinMacleod

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

@68Cly29

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

@robotrowboat

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?