A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
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[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
ME Okay, forget about it then
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?