Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
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when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo
people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I wink at myself in the mirror and say “you got this” as I straighten my tie, pull on my suit jacket, and head down to the washing machine with a hamper overflowing with pajama pants
I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.
how can people flip houses? they’re so heavy
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.