@RodLacroix

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

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@stephenjmolloy

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

@notviking

when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@mijamtweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

@portmanteauface

I wink at myself in the mirror and say “you got this” as I straighten my tie, pull on my suit jacket, and head down to the washing machine with a hamper overflowing with pajama pants

@Gooooats

I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.

@pharmasean

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.