@RodLacroix

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

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@RunOldMan

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

@VikeeysSecret

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”

@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@dafloydsta

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@FunnyIsFamily

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

@GrillinChillin9

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

@ForeverHairy

Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?