@dumbbeezie

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

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@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@clichedout

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it

@motrboatr

Thanks, but it’s spelled “sexiest”, not “sexist”. Stupid woman.

@Aikiwomannc

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

@ehchinoo

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

@juliussharpe

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can’t complete calls.