Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza