Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Someone waited their whole career to write that headline.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.
Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to