Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

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Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….


FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that


Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.


I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.


8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.

Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls


[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff


coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.


We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to