@Ivsy01

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

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@SlothSlouch

Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you

@CantWaitToNap

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@wickedsuga

alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

@kiiimdaaa

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

@ArfMeasures

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

@robfee

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.