Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Strangers have the best candy.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling