@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

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@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@junejuly12

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isnโ€™t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

@flashember

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

@BAKKOOONN

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@jonnysun

boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds

@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.