*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..
Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*