Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.